


Jack Hammer: The Trials of Loving a Mercenary

by TurnMeToStone



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Deadpool being Deadpool, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Jack Feels, Jack being Jack, Mercenaries, Not Canon Compliant, Protective Jack, Protective Siblings, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:54:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29206947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurnMeToStone/pseuds/TurnMeToStone
Summary: Jack Hammer (otherwise known as Weasel) didn't particularly think his life needed additional excitement. Having Wade Wilson as a friend, owning a bar that doubled as a mercenaries' job board, and his tinkering kept him plenty entertained, thank you very much.However, when Envy walks into his bar for the first time (mercenary, Wade's not-blood sister, beautiful...), he's suddenly very aware that just because he didn't need additional excitement does NOT mean he doesn't want whatever she brings to the table. Unluckily, there are a few issues standing between him and the girl of his dreams.
Relationships: Jack Hammer/Original Female Character(s), Vanessa Carlysle/Wade Wilson
Kudos: 2





	Jack Hammer: The Trials of Loving a Mercenary

_Present time_

Envy was back at St. Margaret's again.

Weasel gulped at his own beer, eyes straying to the girl- woman, his mind supplied helpfully- sitting at the end of the bar, nursing a beverage while her broken arm healed almost as quick as Deadpool's did.

"Need anything?" He calls weakly, and she raises her now empty glass. He dutifully fills it up, and leans against the bar, "When will you be interested in another job? I've got a couple gold cards lined up."

"Well, then. You know my rules-"

He cuts her off, sliding several cards over to her, "Yeah, I do. These fit within the parameters. Same general area, no time limits."

Envy picks them up delicately with her good hand, and raises a brow, "Do you treat all the girls so well, or just me?"

"Only the ones that can murder me with a well placed poke, yeah."

Envy slips the cards into her shirt for safekeeping, and Weasel is smart enough to know she knows he keeps them when she hands them back. "Very well. One more drink before the road."

He pours her more chai, and if their fingers brush as he's sliding the glass over to her, and if he was three seconds from begging her to play hooky for the day, well. Neither of them cared, not even when other patrons teased them for going a bit soft.

\---

_One year earlier_

Before, Weasel would have assumed that Wade would have gone for her sooner than Vanessa. In his own mind, Envy was absolutely a ten, and Vanessa barely coasting a six or seven, depending on if she was dressed as a stripper.

However, when it came out that Envy considered Deadpool to be an annoying brother- older or younger depending on the position of the moon and if you've seen a goat in the last five years- it made sense why they didn't get together.

Weasel might have felt a bit of relief at that statement, even if he knew he'd never get with her himself. Far as he could tell, Envy didn't like anyone, let alone skungy bartender/hit man handlers. It just made him happy that a beefcake like Wade couldn't have anyone he wanted, like he often bragged.

Still, when Wade introduces Envy to Vanessa as his sister, and the pair snark at each other like they've grown up together, Weasel breathes out a sigh of relief.

Vanessa adores Envy. 

Everyone adores Envy.

\---

Envy goes on a long, six month trip somewhere, to complete a string of jobs and then a short vacation.

Claims that signal isn't going to be too reliable, that if they call her, the world had better be in danger of nuclear apocalypse.

She pulls Wade and Weasel aside, and hands them the number to her actual phone, in case of emergencies. Told them in no uncertain terms that if they call her on this number, she will come back, no matter what.

And with that, she gives them a snarky one-liner, picks up her duffle bag, and heads off into the great unknown.

And if Wade teases the shit out of Weasel for his wistful expression, well. It was kind of expected.

\---

After Wade is diagnosed with cancer, he goes off the rails and leaves Vanessa, who runs directly to Weasel. "I need to find Envy. She's the only one who can find and talk sense into him!"

Weasel, who had been on the verge of hitting the call button forty times so far, nods slowly, "I can help you with that."

He calls her number. The _do-not-fuck-with-on-pain-of-death-unless-a-disaster-happened_ number. He thinks this qualifies.

She picks up on the first ring, with a gruff,c "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Envy."

"...Weasel?"

He chokes for a second, "Wade got the big C. He... he doesn't have much time to live, and he left Vanessa."

There's silence on the other line, before she sighs, "I can't escape my current situation, and at best I can come home in... a month, two weeks if I push hard."

"You said you'd drop everything for us."

Another pause, "Currently, I'm inside a maximum security prison. They only do guard changes once every month, or two weeks if one of them dies, Weasel. I can only do so much, so fast."

He deflates, "We don't know how long he has to live."

"...I'll be back in a week. And if I have to drag his ass back to the world of the living, well. I have a few contacts." Envy sighs.

He doesn't doubt that for a second. "Hurry home."

\---

By the time she makes it back, new scars dotting the visible parts of her body, more exhausted than Weasel had ever seen her, Wade had dropped off the map entirely.

Envy drops her duffle at their feet, "I had to steal a plane in order to get here faster. Where is he?"

"Didn't know you could fly."

"Didn't know you could go so far off topic. It isn't important." She grips his arm, violet eyes glaring holes into his face, "Where is he?"

"We don't know. He disappeared." Her grip increased, and he gasps, "Jesus fuck stop breaking me! I only know he was talking to someone in the bar a few weeks ago!"

"Tell me everything."

He's a sucker for when she's domineering, so he does. Every detail, big or small, even things he personally thinks are irrelevant. She always had a way of managing to find her way from point A to Z via the most obscure seeming detail, and she was rarely ever wrong once she'd come to a conclusion. 

Envy sits back and rubs her eyes, looking like she aged twenty years. "They take people, bad people, and turn them into mutants, usually unlocking the gene we all have for it... or killing them in the process. I've been... contracted to eradicate them since the late nineties. This actually marks the first real lead since '10. So."

"They're going to try to turn Wade into a mutant?"

"Usually via torture. The mutation gene reacts to stuff like that." She leans forward, smacking the bar counter, and standing. "Weasel. If neither of us make it through this, contact this number. If I come back, burn it. If only he makes it back, light a candle for me and tell him he now owns my house and liquid assets. Or Vanessa does, if we both go tits up."

"I don't like how many conditions this has..."

"Weasel, I've never lied to you once, and I'd be lying if I said I knew that I could bring us back in one piece. Pieces, maybe." She grins at him, but it looks a bit like a weary grimace, a shadow of her normal vibrance.

She sighs, standing gracefully, before suddenly yanking him across the bar, kissing him deeply. Even though the action was painful, the bar digging into his hips a small agony on its own, he was sure he'd fucking died and went to the wrong place.

Kissing an angel just did that to a man, he guessed. Not that he could really think, given that his brain short circuted and all blood was redirected southward, but the point stood.

When she released him, lipstick smeared smirk on full blast (on his own lips, probably), she winked, "And that's your inheritance."

He clears his throat, then does so again, subtly moving to avoid her seeing his raging boner, "Well, I mean, money would also be nice..."

She laughed, and he could drown in the sound, but pulls out an envelope and passes it to him, "For the information."

He takes it, unconsciously weighing it in his hands, "You know, if you come back, I'm just giving this back."

Envy rolls her eyes, picking up her duffle bag and heading for the door, calling over her shoulder in a whimsical sort of voice, "Consider it a down-payment to the hip replacement surgery you're going to need if I do."

She leaves him, stuttering out a half-baked reply. He's glad no one else was in the bar at that time.

\---

Envy goes missing, too, presumably into whatever facility Wade was locked away at.

Weasel has never been more terrified, staring at a picture of him, Wade, and Envy, the woman with her arms thrown casually around both of their necks. He wonders if they will ever have easy times like that again.

When he's alone in his shitty apartment above the bar, lying awake at night and staring at the ceiling, he touches his lips and prays for the first time in his life, to any God that will listen.

Please, bring them back alive. Bring them back safely.

\---

A lab burns down in a 'freak accident', his sources whisper. Accounts of two people, a badly burned man and a mostly naked woman leaving the site together is the only hope he has that they survived.

\---

Weeks later, Envy, in her usual costume, and a heavily dressed man enter the bar.

"Envy! You survived!" He grins widely, not able to contain the feeling of relief he was experiencing.

"So did Wade, in a manner of speaking." She says. There's a hard edge to her voice that he almost flinches at. She gestures with gloved hands to the man next to her, and the clothed man waves.

"Welcome back to both of you. But also, fuck you for making me worry! Where the fuck were you? I got reports of your escape WEEKS ago!" Weasel says instead, using anger to hide his concern like the well adjusted man he was.

Wade slides into one of the bar stools, "Had to take a bit to recover from, y'know, the whole torture shebang."

"We hid out at my house until I could... get a handle on my abilities." Envy sighed. "We both came out a bit... changed..."

"What'd y'all get?"

"He's basically unkillable, but also significantly stronger and better at everything he was already good at, annoyingly enough. I'm, well. I've got a mach 1 healing factor, but not as good as his, but... ah. I can mimic other powers, in part, I can heal people, and, ah, pheromones." She shifts uncomfortably.

"Was super weird when they tested her ability with that last one by sticking us both in the same room." Wade makes a disgusted sound. "I think they wanted her to seduce me, but even her mutant side thinks we're related, so. She just ended up having me do gymnastic shit to entertain her."

"That's, ah. That's good."

"Sort of not, really. She's like a veela, now. If you're attracted to females, she has power over you to some extent." Wade says quietly. "She convinced the guards to let us out."

"We burnt the facility down together. I collected the paycheck from destroying it, and when we felt comfortable leaving the house, we came here." Envy said, not looking at Weasel. "The good news is that I healed his cancer."

"Bad news is, it and the torture fucked my skin up, so rather than returning to baby-face, I look like this." Wade growls a little, pushing his hood back a bit so Weasel could see his horrifically scarred, hairless face. "Not that she did it. Fucking Francis did."

"Ajax," She corrects, a small frown on her face.

Weasel frowned, looking between the two, "What's the plan?"

"I'm going away for a bit. Xavier offered to teach me how to use my abilities." Envy said, studying the wall over his left shoulder.

"She made me promise not to start my crusade until she comes back."

Weasel knew he'd not adhere to that, but merely pursed his lips a little, "I, ah. Good luck with your training?"

She nods, standing and walking out of the bar.

He turns to Wade, "Why is she...?"

"Her powers were easier to unlock, and they just keep coming. When she got the pheromone ability, they didn't know it was there at first. She was tied to a table and there were six or so people in the room. When she panicks, it, ah. Incites a homicidal urge to protect her in everyone nearby, and it resulted in them ripping each other apart. Even the last man standing died because her pheromones made him kill himself, the last thing that was causing her to be terrified."

"That's... horrifying, actually."

"It's worse when the pheromones cause them to become extremely horny to the point that they will stop at nothing to fuck her." Wade said grimly. "If i were you, I'd look into pheromone blockers."

"I-ah, what?"

"We were all strapped to tables, in the recovery ward, and discussing what we wanted to do when we got out. This was before the pheromone mutation, of course. She said she wanted to 'see where this thing between the two of us could go'. Didn't elaborate on the who, but given how you look at her when you think no one sees you, and how she hates drinking and bars, but never fails to be at St. Maggie's three times a week, at minimum? You can say it's just for work, but given her life before becoming a merc, she never needed the money."

"I-ah, that doesn't prove anything!"

Wade gives him an unimpressed look, and stands, towering over him, "You treat my sister right, or- well. She'll probably kill you herself. But if I get to you first, you'll wish I had just outright murdered you."

Weasel blinked, "I-"

Wade glared at him, pointing, "Work on the pheromone blocker, and woo the shit out of her. She deserves something nice happening for once!"

And with that, Wade exits the bar.

Weasel ends up staring off into space, shellshocked, realizing that maybe, his feelings weren't so one-sided, and that he had a lot of shit to do.

"BAR'S CLOSED!"

\---

Present day

Wade had, surprisingly, followed Envy's wishes to not seek revenge until she returned. He took other merc jobs in the meantime, and helped Weasel with his Big Fucking Project when he had time to spare.

The Big Fucking Project was a microchip nanite implant that would neutralize any invading pheromones, but leave him with the ability to understand what they meant, meaning she wouldn't have to worry that his feelings and actions were because of her mutation and not because he'd had a hard on and was half in love upon seeing her for the first time, several years prior.

Wade, who had access to bottled pheromones- don't ask, don't tell- was all too willing to help a brother out, even if that would eventually lead to him banging Wade's sister.

When the device was finished, all he could do was wait for her to return. And he would wait as long as she needed him to.

\---

When Envy comes back into his life, he's ecstatic, but plays it cool. "Can I get you a drink, hot stuff?"

Super cool, for a super fool.

But she snorts, like she did whenever he flirted before her transformation, and that gives him hope.

Wade comes in shortly, sporting a new costume and hands something matching but in the black and emerald green she preferred to her, and they begin to plan out their first strike.

Weasel does not pout.

\---

Much later, he's laying in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, wondering what his life even was. However, he had been a criminal since college, and he knew when someone had entered his apartment.

He pulls a gun from his side table and stands, a blanket wrapped around his hips, and glances inside the room where he had heard the noise.

Almost too fast for him to recognize, surprised pheromones hit him in the face at the same time as a kick to the wrist holding the gun happens. He yelps, and part of him wanted to run, but an overwhelming amount of rage at the idea of any criminal attacking his home when he did so much for the fucking lowlife scum.

In a burst of speed he didn't know he had, he tackles the nameless individual, managing to pin them to the ground with his now-naked body. He growls, fury etched into his very being, "What the fuck do you think you're doing in my goddamn apartment?!"

The person under him stops struggling, "Well, I was planning on waking you up with a blow job and then trying to convince you to let me uphold my promise from before I left, but-"

His brows furrow, and he takes a moment to squint through the dark at the perpetrator. Almost glowing purple eyes stare back at him, and he yelps, scrambling back and off of her, "Fuck- Envy?"

She laughs, not moving much except to wiggle into a more comfortable position. "I didn't tell you to get off, did I?"

"Envy- I could have shot you!"

"To be fair, I'd just heal from it. Might or might not have been decapitated a few weeks back, so." She says offhandedly, but all he can do is try to breathe, because even the barest idea of her dying makes him feel like his heart is being ripped out. It's a visceral feeling.

He leans back, head tilted so he can catch his breath as the adrenaline drains from his body, "You could have knocked."

"I wanted to wake you via an orgasm, so no. I just. Underestimated how good your security systems were." She raises up onto her elbows, and gives him a wicked grin, "Glad to know that if my plan had worked, I wouldn't have needed to undress you."

"I sleep naked most nights," he asserted, before his jaw snapped shut.

"Good to know."

With this, she crawls over to him and climbs into his lap, "If I'm misreading the situation, just tell me to stop and I'll leave."

"If you fucking stop, I'll hate you forever," and with that, he stands, picking her surprisingly light form up, and walking back towards his bed.

Her laughter was like music to his ears.

\---

Later, they're wrapped around each other, and Weasel honestly could say several things.

One, he was fucking gone for this woman, weird mutant shit, dirty hands, terrible past, all of that and whatever else she needed to throw his way.

Two, he was a dead man. Her healing factor meant that she was, in fact, capable of nympho-levels of sex Olympics, and what a way to go!

She blinks up at him, "I need to tell you something."

"Is this the point where you tell me that it was a fun night but you never want to see me again?"

"Uh, no." She gives him a weird look, "Do you get told that often?"

"More than I'd like to admit to."

"Well, if you want this to be casual, I'm not going to be able to continue, but otherwise, I quite enjoy all of this." She gestures to the two of them.

"No, no! This is good. We've been flirting for years now. I think I'm fine with whatever you want..."

"Fine, but I need to tell you a few things first." She sits up, turning towards him. "My name is Isabella Plantagenet."

Color drains from his face, "I just fucked the future queen of the largest mafia group in the world. Holy shit."

"My younger brother took over my position, since I wanted to go out and learn real-world skills to better myself. Turns out, I'm rather good at the whole ruthless-killer thing." She shrugs, "If it's too much to handle, I won't be offended."

"Jack Hammer."

"What?"

"My real name is Jack Hammer."

"Oh." She blinks at him, "Well, then. If you've given me your name, that's a good sign, right?"

"Well, given that you, Wade, and your entire family could kill me without so much as batting an eyelash... and the fact that I don't care about any of that considering I liked you even when I just thought you were a merc fly, and then just a psychopathic killer,, well." He shrugs, lacing his fingers behind his head, "Might be crazy, but I'm crazy for you, dollface."

"Dork." She snickered.

\---

Much later, they were eating breakfast, shoulders bumping and both grinning at each other like fools.

Weasel grins at her, like a lovesick fool. She threads their fingers together.

He's never felt as relaxed and free. He'd fight tooth and nail for this feeling to continue.

And if Wade snaps a picture of the two, claiming they were sappy idiots, and if that picture made its way up on the wall behind his bar, well.

Who the fuck was going to judge him?

\---

Turns out, Ajax and Angel would.

Angel picks him up by the throat and pins him to the wall behind his bar, before taking that picture, as well as the one of Wade and Vanessa.

"We should take him as well," Angel mutters to her boss, and the entire bar pulls guns on them.

"Might wanna rethink that." Weasel grimaces, hands wrapped around Angel's wrist.

"Well, I think we have enough, Angel. Let's go."

When they left, Weasel calls Wade, who puts him on speaker phone for Envy, "We have a problem."

\---

After the final confrontation, in which Ajax and Angel are killed, and the leftover X-Men leave after admonishing Envy and Deadpool for not just joining the hero-side, Envy rushes back to the bar.

She all but leaps across the bar and tackles Weasel, causing him to yelp as he's taken down to the ground. "Fuck, baby I'm fine."

"Mermaid told me that you got choked out and would have been taken if there hadn't been several dozen guns at the ready," she scoffs, pressing her fingers to his bruised throat and healing the damage.

"Mermaid is a snitch and pays double for drinks today!" He calls out.

"Aw, man, fuck you!"

He rolls his eyes as Envy gets them back to their feet, "Don't worry so much."

She gives him a disbelieving look, "So I'm not supposed to care that you got attacked because of your connection to me and DP?"

"No. You can worry, if you want to. I'm just saying that you can't always protect me, and that in this situation, I was going to be targeted anyway and had contingencies in case the multitude of guns wasn't enough."

Her brows furrow, "I'm sorry, but how is that supposed to make me feel less concerned?"

"It wasn't? Just a fact. Especially with your family, I'm going to be targeted regardless, so I might as well develop ways to make myself less of a target." He shrugs, popping open a can of root beer for himself.

Envy walks around the bar and drops heavily into one of the stools, rubbing her temples. Wade walks in and pats her on the shoulder, and she looks at her brother, "Relationships are hard. Especially with annoyingly stubborn geniuses that would live off of pop tarts and spite if left alone for a couple days."

"Well, you chose him. This is entirely your fault." Wade chirps, letting out an amused snort when Weasel glares half-heartedly at his girlfriend.

"Fair." She sighs dramatically. "I need a drink. It's been a complicated sort of month."

"I'll buy," Wade grins, "A drink for me and Envy, whatever's strongest and not watered down, Weas."

Weasel rolled his eyes, "Free for her, double for you."

"Rude!"

\---

Later, the pair were tangled up together, coming down from their respective highs, and honestly, even the fact that his girlfriend was an assassin for hire, mafia princess, and a strange mutant, Weasel couldn't be happier.

**Author's Note:**

> Trash. Pure trash. I just really like writing domineering women, ok? Plus I feel like Wade would love-hate having someone to call family. So yeah. *shrug*


End file.
